This is the third blog in a three-blog series. These next two concepts  (Validate Your Teammates Feelings and Accept Responsibility) may seem counterintuitive. The litmus test to a healthy approach to winning arguments is when both of you feel good about the solution. These two concepts  help your teammate feel good about the solution. In marriage coaching, we say that a win-lose solution is a lose solution for the relationship.  The final two concepts are very practical ways to stay focused and capture your solution so it is clear to both of you.

Validate Your Teammate’s Feelings

Validation is one of the most powerful ways to calm a conflict. It tells your spouse, “Your feelings make sense to me” even when you would not feel the same way under the same circumstances. You might say:

• I can understand why that hurt you.
• I see why you felt left out.
• That must have been frustrating.

Validation does not require you to accept blame for anything. It simply recognizes that your spouse’s feelings are real and connected to how he or she experienced the situation. We all want validation and when we don’t get it, we often become louder when we feel we are not heard. When your spouse feels understood and validated, the need to argue and fight for understanding will likely decrease.

Accept Responsibility

Arguments continue and tend to escalate when both teammates focus only on what the other did wrong. Even if you believe your teammate caused most of the problem, look honestly at your part. Even a small part can start and argument.

• Did you interrupt?
• Raise your voice?
• Use sarcasm?
• Withdraw?
• Exaggerate?
• Bring up an old failure?
• Ignore a reasonable request?
• Act selfishly?

A sincere apology does not contain the word “but.” It accepts responsibility without any conditions. Try saying, I was wrong to speak to you that way. I can see that I hurt you. Will you forgive me? Taking responsibility is not a weakness. It protects your marriage and makes it safer for your spouse to accept responsibility too. It creates vulnerability and is likely to make your teammate more vulnerable as well. Self-confident people have little trouble accepting responsibility for their role in an argument. It is the insecure person who always has to be right. The last two concepts are very practical.

Address One Problem at a Time

When couples argue, they often collect years of complaints into one conversation. A disagreement about dishes becomes an argument about money, in-laws, parenting, and a vacation that went badly three years ago. This quickly turns into the blame game and will not resolve anything because everything is now on the table. Choose the one issue that started the discussion.

• Define it clearly and keep the discussion focused.
• Understand each other‘s feelings and perspective. [We covered that in the last blog]
• Then identify your common goal and
• Brainstorm possible solutions. Do not judge each suggestion immediately. After listing several choices, select one that respects both teammates and moves you toward the goal you share.

You are not looking for one person to surrender. You are looking for an “our way” solution the two of you can support and feel good about.

Create an Action and a Relapse Reminder

Once you have a solution, you might think the problem is solved, but if no one takes any action, the problem will linger. Insight and agreement are essential, but change requires action. Decide what each spouse will do differently. For example:

• We will review the family calendar every Sunday evening.
• We will take turns handling the children’s bedtime routine.
• We will put our phones away during dinner.
• We will review weekly our budget and spending on Monday evening.

MarriageTeam coaches asks couples to write down their agreements because they can become “fuzzy” over time. Clear agreements are going to eliminate additional misunderstandings.

We all know that old habits are hard to break and we often return to them. That is why when coaching we ask the person who made the agreement to write down what they need to hear if they fall back into old habits and forget to do what they agreed to do. We call this a friendly Relapse Reminder. A Relapse Reminder is a word, phrase, or signal that reminds you of your agreement without starting another argument. It gives your teammate a way to help the team get back on track when agreements are not being kept.

The reminder should never embarrass, criticize, or control a teammate, and that is why the teammate who makes the agreement comes up with what they need to hear that will not be offensive.

Writing down agreements and what a teammate needs to hear to get back on track is where the rubber meets the road. Good solutions without implementation and follow through will not  improve a marriage. Trust is built when teammates do what they have agreed to do. Trust in marriage is so important it is the subject of our next blog.

Summarizing the Last Three Blogs

Some arguments involve deep wounds, destructive behavior, addiction, affairs, threats, or abuse. These situations may require help from a qualified counselor or other appropriate professional. We have often seen situations where the skill building that coaching provides is enhanced with counseling for these other issues. For many couples, however, the concepts outlined in these last three blogs are sufficient for making significant improvements in their marriage. These concepts are:

• Blog One – How to Stop Arguing with Your Spouse
  • Remember your spouse is your teammate
  • Find your common goal
  • Stop trying to win
• Blog Two – A Better Approach to Communication
  • Take turns talking and listening
  • Use “I” statements to share your feelings and reduce defensiveness
  • Listen to understand your teammate
• Blog Three – Healthy Approach to Winning Arguments
  • Validate your teammate’s feelings
  • Accept responsibility for your role
  • Address one problem at a time
  • Make and keep agreements by writing them down and identifying a relapse reminder.

Finally

While these three blogs capture concepts that are simple to understand, they are often difficult to implement because emotions hijack the discussion. Some couples benefit significantly from having a coach couple help them apply the concepts. It is much like learning to ride a bike. At first there will be some mistakes and falls, but once the skill is mastered it becomes second nature. The same holds true for our relationships. Mastering the skills and reframing our thinking about the nature of our marriage takes practice and that is where a coach can be very helpful. Olympic athletes have coaches, not because they are losers, but because they want to be the best they can be. The same is true in marriages. Virtually every marriage has difficulties at some point and that is where a coach can make a huge difference. MarriageTeam coaching gives couples a safe, structured setting in which to practice these skills. The Rick and Jane Learn to Be Married series presents these principles through relatable stories and practical lessons.

You do not have to agree about everything to have a strong marriage. You need to learn how to disagree while protecting your friendship, honoring each other, and remembering that you are on the same team. The next time an argument begins,

• Remind yourself that your spouse is your teammate.
• Identify your common goal (address one problem at a time).
• Lower your voice, listen for the feelings beneath the words.
• Validate your teammates feelings.
• Take responsibility for your part.
• Work together to find an “our way” solution.

You may be surprised by how quickly a battle can become a conversation and how much stronger your team can become.